Should have, would have, could have
Why is it that humans have such a natural tendency to measure their success? Who is this benefiting? Not the measurer that’s for sure. Usually, unless the person is fairly shallow, it doesn’t matter to anyone else either. Not many people are going to hear that you are a….musician, for example, and then immediately try to determine what level of success you have reached. Most will be interested in the simple fact. I know that if I were to meet a…physicist or something I wouldn’t start digging to find out how much they make and how well known they are and how happy they are with their lives. I would just be excited to learn about what exactly a physicist does.
And there it is, the real heart of the matter. Why is it that our success is based on “how much we make and how well known we are”? Why do we do it to ourselves, because let’s face it, just because you’re successful does not make you any better than someone else in any walk of life, even in a mutual career. Now not everyone rates their successfulness on their careers, some base it on their family. As some people will not rest until they are successful in a career, some will not rest until they are married and have children, in short a family. Again, why? Why can’t we develop our own rating systems, why do we have to have a family or a successful career to define our lives as good. Again I know there are some amazing people out there to whom this does not apply, but generally speaking…the definitions for success and happiness are set for us; simply a lofty goal to be attained. This could be taken as a person complaining because he can’t attain those lofty goals; losers are the ones who complain that it wasn’t fair are they not? But I prefer to think of it a little differently.
What is our obsession with marriage and kids? It almost seems like we’re chasing after that impossible fantasy life and happy ever after ending. I have no interest in getting married, because that usually means a house and probably kids, and to be honest I really don’t relish spending that much time with one person. As soon as I state this (something I have learned to refrain from saying, among many other things) I am told I will grow out of it, or that I simply haven’t found the right person. I also have no interest in owning a house, appartments can be nice as well and smaller place=smaller problems.
To make this very short thought long, why do we humans have such a natural tendency to define ourselves in the should haves, would haves and could haves, when the haves are the much much happier ones?
You probably know what I think about all this, since we have talked about it on a number of occasions. I, really believe, that ultimately we define our own success. Some of us need other’s shoulds to define our success (although I personally believe that should is a toxic word that disempowers more than it empowers). Part of defining our own success is to work out for ourselves how to balance others’ expectations with where our passion and our bliss lies. Every path we choose requires some sacrifice…deciding to live by other’s expectations may require us to sacrifice some of our individuality while choosing our own path may require us to sacrifice relationships, expectations and material and other things. It isn’t as simple as choosing one path over the other, it is more figuring out how to hold multiple paths in creative tension. I don’t think one path is better than the other or that one way is right and the other wrong. I think it is all a matter of figuring out what we value and what makes us who were are and then figuring out which path or combination of paths best helps us use our gifts and talents to make a difference. I know that for me, I measure if I am successful or not by the level of respect and trust people place in me. It is irrelevant what I do at any particular point in time as long as I am using the gifts that I have been given to make a difference.
Remember how we used to talk about Maslow and his hierarchy of needs? The hierarchy talks about basic needs…my basic needs are different from your basic needs which are different from the basic needs of the person down the street. We define those needs for ourselves. So, a person living in a shack in the middle of a favella in Brazil could feel that all their basic needs are met, although many in the West would argue otherwise. The same goes for you. Ultimately, you are the only one who can define what your needs are and if and when they are fulfilled.
This discussion sounds strangely familiar
In general, the happiest people I know have found their own frames of reference for success. I respect the way they can be seemingly so blase about the world, because they have found whatever matters to them…
Speaking personally, I still find it hard not to care what people think, and find it even harder ever to focus long enough on anything, let alone things that might actually matter.
Great post BTW.
Mmmmm…[IPNH] is back and active…willetc.blogspot.com.
A further thought….this one from Joseph Campbell:
“One way or another, we all have to find what best fosters the flowering of our humanity in this contemporary life, and dedicate ourselves to that.”
I came across this quote by Irvine Welsh, the Scottish novelist who wrote Trainspotting (for best effect read with a broad Edinburgh accent):